Ninety Seconds of Courage
We all have unprocessed emotions — at least, I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t.
The reason we have unprocessed emotions is because some feelings are terribly painful, and it is easier (we think) not to feel them. Some feelings are associated with traumatic memories or unpleasant times in our life that we’d rather not return to. And some emotions are so intense that we feel we can’t handle them, that they would either last forever or completely destabilize us.
These are some pretty good reasons not to feel, and if it were truly possible to avoid, disown, or put a stop to feeling, then maybe this would be a sound approach to difficult emotions.
Unfortunately that is not how it works.
When we “stop” feeling we don’t actually stop, we just pause. We tell the feeling, “Not today!” and like a patient salesman, the feeling leaves.
However: the salesman never really goes away. He just keeps coming back asking, “Is it time to feel this now?” He can be pushy too. He is always watching, and when we experience a similar emotion to the one he is pedaling, he jumps in uninvited and says, “Okay, NOW you must be ready for me!”
We can say “Yes”, or we can say, “Later.” “No” is not a true option.
This is why, when we begin our healing work and we start to relax into the silence, our emotions show up. They say, “Is it time now?” and with safety and support we can say, “Well, okay.”
It takes approximately 90 seconds to process an uncomfortable emotion.
When we are ready to feel something difficult — like a deep fear, panic/dread, sadness or loss — the actual experience of doing so lasts less than two minutes.
I’ll give you a recent example from my life. The other day I sat down with my healing professional. I told her I’d been having some vague fears that I was harming my loved ones, even though there was no evidence to support this. I’d been uneasy for a week or so. I knew my fear wasn’t logical but I also didn’t quite know how to move out of it. Whenever I tried to learn more about it, my mind went blank— there was was no emotional response. It was like the salesman was in my yard but I couldn’t find the door to let him in.
The healer, a person I deeply trust, prompted me to breathe, feel my body, and sense into the unease. As soon as I did this, I felt a powerful urge to cry. Suddenly I was face to face with the salesman, and with the support of my healer friend I was able to say, “Come on in.”
The sense of remorse was palpable. For a moment I felt completely enveloped in my own unnamed sadness, guilt, misery. I cried openly, begged for forgiveness, apologized to no one in particular. A memory emerged, of my grandmother telling me I was a bad girl, that I was ruining everything for the well-behaved children. As I recognized this memory as belonging to my inner child I was able to relax with a big sigh. I felt peace, no longer uneasy. I even smiled a little, remembering what a boisterous child I was and how challenging that must have been for my grandma.
More happened after that — I went through cycles of difficult feelings related to my grandmother’s treatment of me — but each time, the painful part lasted just over a minute. The rewards were many — I felt relaxed and resolved, and I didn’t feel the familiar looming presence of a long-ignored salesman at my door.
Do you have a salesman (or twenty, or thirty) at your door? Are you aware of which feeling(s) might be on offer?
It’s important to note that the process of warming up to, inviting, processing and integrating an emotion requires much more than 90 seconds, and that emotions don’t necessarily show up when you’re looking for them. But when it’s time,
