The Pleasant Narcissist

“Narcissist” seems to be the insult of the hour. This word has been used synonymously with “abusive” because indeed narcissism can and does underlie abusive behavior, but the two are not the same. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, with the narcissistic abuser on one end, but there are less extreme, non-abusive forms too.

But first, what is narcissism? It’s a big topic, but if we are keeping it short:

A narcissist manipulates others to reinforce their desired identity.

Identity here does not refer to the information on our driver’s license, but rather the way we think of ourselves and the way we present to the world. Examples of popular identities include: “tough guy,” “nice person,” and “jokester.” You can look for a person’s desired identity in the information they choose to share with the world— the details they emphasize and the stories they tell. For example, you know how some doctors prefer to skip the “Dr.” title whereas others insist on it? This is identity in action — one feels invested in the “doctor” identity whereas the other doesn’t as much. Neither is wrong — it’s just information about how that person wants to be perceived in the world. We all have pet identities that we ask the world to validate (e.g. “Call me doctor”); this is normal human behavior. But when this is taken to the extreme - where a person’s main or only interest is in hearing that they have their desired identity— this is narcissism and the person is a narcissist.

The narcissistic abuser is just one kind of narcissist. His desired identity is usually “important person” (or somesuch) and he uses coercion and punishment to get others to praise him and prop him up. This guy is easy to spot because of his conceited, superior behavior. But some narcissists desire totally different identities, for example: “#1 caregiver,” “smartest person in the room,” or “highly accomplished person”. These can be much harder to spot, especially when they do not use abusive tactics to get you to play along. These folks can seem normal and even be pleasant — but what makes them narcissists is that they are interested in just one thing from you: reassurance of their desired identity.

Take the example of your friend who comes by every few months to share all about the charity work she has been a part of. She doesn’t ask about your life, and when you do share something, she quickly turns it into another opportunity to show you what a good and giving person she is. She is sweet, her stories are interesting, and the work she does is genuinely valuable. And yet, the relationship feels off in a way that is hard to articulate. You might even feel guilty for not feeling as friendly or loving toward someone who is so good and giving.

Yet, you’re detecting something real: the relationship is off. Despite being a pleasant human being, your friend is unfortunately not interested in your inner life. She may think she is, she may say she is, but you can feel it — when you’re together, it’s all about propping her up, reinforcing and reminding her that she has the identity she desires: that of a good and giving person. It sounds mean to say this, doesn’t it? It would hurt her feelings so much to hear it. But it’s true: the relationship is based around her needs only. This is narcissism.

Narcissists are not necessarily bad, but they are limited.

So, what now? What do you do if you recognize this pattern in your close relationships?

Well first, I don’t advocate for name calling. Narcissism really is a spectrum and it may or may not be useful to use this term to describe what goes on in your relationships. I DO advocate for trusting the sense of “off”ness that you feel with some people, and for thorough investigation— is narcissism at play here? If so, what is the identity this person wants propped up? How much of your time together is spent on that goal? Are you good with that?

Propping up a narcissist’s identity is a service to them at a cost to you.

Whenever there is imbalance in a relationship, there is need for boundary and limits. This means that if you discover narcissism in your relationships, you first may need to grieve the mutuality you thought you had and accept that the relationship is indeed imbalanced. You may need to give up on trying to be heard and understood by them. You may need to take some space and assess how often you want to see them, and how close of a relationship you’d like. It’s not bad to spend time with a narcissist but it is, by its very nature, draining.

And just in case you need explicit permission: it’s okay to not want to participate in draining things. It’s okay to look for balance in your relationships. It’s okay to distance yourself from relationships that lack mutuality or feel off. It’s not mean, it’s not harmful, and even though your narcissistic friend isn't likely to understand, it’s really is right and natural.

This is just the start of a long and liberating process. I work with people on this every day. Reach out if you want to know more. ❤️