The “I Hafta” Muscles
I have an exercise for you.
Close your eyes. Imagine someone bursting into your space to tell you that something is wrong, it’s your fault, and you need to take care of it right now.
Stay here. Notice what happens in your body. Get really specific.
Did you have an emotional response, some kind of “uh oh!” and maybe a sense of dread or fear? Probably you tensed up too in a very familiar way. Maybe your arms wanted to rise up to protect you from getting yelled at, or your stomach dropped and your butt cheeks clenched. Maybe all of that happened and more.
I call this the “I hafta” reaction, and the muscles that get activated are your “I hafta” muscles. These muscles activate when we feel responsible, exposed, guilty, like we “hafta” do something, fix something, or make things right all on our own.
The “I hafta” reaction is really one of fear, specifically fear that “I can’t.” And the “I hafta” muscles attempt to overpower your body’s naturally relaxed state in order to get things done. There is self-distrust inherent in the “I hafta” reaction.
To highlight the difference:
Imagine someone bursting into your space to tell you that your shoes are at the back door not the front door and because of that they are deeply concerned about your ability to get to work or school.
What happened this time?
Did you feel confused and maybe slightly amused? Was your “I hafta” reaction present with the same intensity? Since this situation was infinitely handle-able, your “I hafta” muscles didn’t need to engage. When you trust in your ability to handle a situation, your body is at ease. Without “I can’t” the “I hafta” reaction has no fuel.
In my experience, most people’s “I hafta” muscles are activated to some degree most or all of the time. In Healing Work, we engage directly with those muscles and the energies that animate them — I place my hands on the body and listen deeply, then together we provide the support needed for those muscles to relax. It’s a natural and beautiful process of melting into trust. Some of my clients tell me they feel like they are turning to liquid and dripping into the table.
The next time you notice you’re having an “I hafta” reaction, ask yourself:
What am I afraid of?
Where is the “I can’t” in this reaction? What do I think I can’t do?
Is it really true that “I can’t”? Where did I get that idea?
Do I really “hafta”? Or can I ask for help, take some time to regroup, or make a boundary?
How can I be patient with myself right now while I’m feeling afraid?
These are questions that can interrupt the “I hafta” response and shift our mind toward our more enduring qualities — our enormous capacity to handle things, and the love and support we can give ourself as we do.
Trust (in ourself, in the world) is our natural state, and given enough time, attention, love and care, that is where we return.
