Who is Paying for This?
You know what it’s like to wake up excited because you’re going to do something you really want to. You fly out of bed and whiz through your preparations, then float all the way to your activity with a smile. Whatever energy you expend is dwarfed by the joy, love, and fulfillment you reap. After the event, you feel alive, pulsating, and the energy powers you through the days ahead.
Those situations are great. I’m not talking about those situations, though.
Today I’m talking about when doing something or seeing someone feels like a chore. Maybe it’s going to lunch with your self-centered friend, or attending your partner’s boring work event. In these situations, you are not naturally inclined toward the activity, but something (usually someone) compels you.
Guilt, obligation, sense of duty, fear of hurting or disappointing someone… do these motivations sound familiar? Unlike the effortlessness that moves you forward toward your favorite activity, the energy of “have to” is heavy, sticky, slow and burdensome. It feels like carrying extra weight. Moving forward takes more effort, more work: in other words, it costs you more. Afterward, you need time to recover and recuperate that cost.
It’s a lot.
Am I saying you should always behave only in your own best interest? No way, not if you want to live a civilized and socialized life. Of course we need to do things for others, even if it depletes us — because we love, we care, we nurture and support our relationships. For example, when I watch a kung fu movie with my husband, we both know I’m making a grave sacrifice borne of my deep and enduring love for him. Seeing him happy is worth the sizable discomfort I suffer in the process, and his happiness often translates into a more generous stance toward my movie choice next time.
But what about those situations where it feels really one-way? Let’s go back to your self-centered friend, the one who talks but doesn’t listen and who never seems to solve her problems. Why would you go see her? Maybe your mind bullies you into it: Oh, it’s just lunch, stop being selfish. She has no one. What, am I going to tell her I don’t want to? Because she is a downer? That’s not how to treat people.
And so on.
If seeing your friend was inherently beneficial to you, then you’d wake up excited to do it. If not, that is information — it means that there is a cost to you — and for that reason it bears further consideration.
What would happen if you told your friend you didn’t want to see her for lunch? Your mind would generate something like: She would be crushed. It would ruin her day. She would feel pathetic, abandoned, alone.
In other words, it would cost her something. She would be the one to expend effort and emotion and/or have a negative experience. She would have to pay the energetic cost for the truth of the situation: that getting together helps her but drains you.
I have a question: Why is it your automatic assumption that you should “pay” the cost? Why is it acceptable for you to have a negative experience, but not her? What about balance? You wouldn’t go for lunch with someone who never paid their portion of the check, would you? So why allow this to happen emotionally or energetically?
Our relationships are magnitudes more complex than this example, with many costs and benefits flowing back and forth over long durations. Even so, here is my invitation to you:
Pay attention to that feeling of “I don’t wanna.” This indicates the presence of a personal cost.
Explore the cost: why are you doing something that costs?
Have you overlooked the cost to you to prioritize someone else’s needs? Explore: what exactly are you giving? Is that okay with you? Is there balance?
Consider sharing the cost — sometimes the other person can pay. Their discomfort is as acceptable as yours.
Do you still want to move ahead with your plan? Breathe and allow the answer to be no. Let the answer come to you.
Still want to? Don’t let me stop you. Maybe you know the cost is high but you have a lot of energy and you don’t mind. Maybe the long-term benefit outweighs the immediate cost. Maybe you’re just feeling nice today. Wherever you land, knowing the cost of your activities and actions allows you to make better, more informed and sustainable choices.
Still not sure what to do? Sometimes the costs can be hidden, or you’re so enmeshed in the relationship dynamics (and your voluminous mental commentary about it) that it’s not obvious or clear what you feel or want. Healing work can be helpful then — to give you the time, space and support to look more closely.
