I Just Want to Feel Better

Have you ever said, “I just want to feel better,” or “I don’t want to feel this,”? Most of us have. But have you ever wondered why you don’t want to feel? Or why you have unpleasant emotions in the first place?

One way to think about this is to consider the body’s physical functions, for example breathing, shivering in the cold, or using the toilet. You don’t expect to enjoy these natural processes because that’s not what they’re for. These vital systems exist to keep your body alive and functional.

Just like your physical processes, emotions serve vital functions. You can think of each emotion as a poignant signal that something noteworthy happened.

For example, anger indicates that, in your opinion, something is wrong. Sadness shows that something hurts - something you love isn’t there. Fear shows that you don’t feel safe and it brings extra energy to watch for threats. These emotions don’t feel good because they have a different job: to deliver important information from your subconscious to your conscious experience. The feel-better part happens when these emotions are heeded, processed, and addressed.

Most of us were never taught this. Instead:

Starting very young, most of us were punished for displays of negative emotion. We were taught that if we must have turmoil, it should be kept out of sight.

We learned that “positive” or controlled feelings were the goal, and when we couldn’t keep our emotions in range we risked becoming difficult and enduring whatever happened to difficult children. Of course we did our best to fall in line, but when our emotions inevitably leaked out of the pockets we stuffed them in, they came out mutated, intense, maximally disruptive — leading not only to more punishment, but to the conclusion that your own feelings were/are negative and frightening.

Imagine if you had been punished for shivering or needing the toilet; how conflicted you would have become and how difficult your current life would be - continuously sneaking, hiding and faking well into your adulthood. You would need specialized coaching just to re-learn to allow your body’s procedures without interfering. Emotionally, this is exactly how it is for many of us.

This is why, even as functioning adults, we continue to think of anger as inconvenient, sadness as an irritant, and anxiety as a personal failing. Most of us have only rarely experienced the hefty sigh that signifies real, true, processing and leads to relaxed relief. In other words, we never learned the benefit of our not-fun emotions!

Each time an emotion completes, a treasure is delivered; a message finds its destination and you feel a little more whole.

All feelings, enjoyable and otherwise, have a purpose and an arc: a beginning, middle, and end. Each one brings a gift of self knowledge - it shows what you care about, what you think or thought was wrong, what you long(ed) for, what you miss, what you haven’t accepted and why. It also shows how YOU specifically want to live, and illuminates steps you can take to make your life more comfortable.

I don’t blame anyone for preferring enjoyable, controllable emotions, and I understand wanting to feel good instead of bad. But here is the rub:

Honoring and processing ALL emotions is the only way to feel genuinely feel good.

Not sure? Or ready to start? Reach out and let’s discuss.