On “Negative” Energy

“Your anxiety is all over this place!” my friend was told.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m really nervous,” my friend replied. She had been working her way up to touching her date in a more intimate way when her heart suddenly started beating hard and she felt panicked.

“What’s going on?!” her date demanded, sitting up.

Cowed, my friend said nothing.

My friend’s date was profoundly sensitive to energy — before entering her home, she asked my friend to surround herself with the smoke of sage in order to clear the energy of wherever my friend had been — so it was no surprise that this woman had detected my friend’s emotional state as well.

“What’s going on?” the date repeated. My friend, an in-touch and spiritual person, sensed into her own experience and discovered fear and unease related to her last relationship - one where she was repeatedly rejected, especially around physical touch. My friend confessed that she was having a fear reaction.

“Alright,” the date said, “We are going to work it through.” She brought out some selected crystals and dried plants, “Tell me about this last relationship.”

As my friend began to explain, her date continually “cleared” herself and the space by creating smoke and referencing the crystals. As my friend shared the vulnerable truth of her anxiety, the date moved away as if to protect herself.

They did not go on another date, thankfully. My friend felt so toxic, as though her unhealed trauma had poisoned not just her own experience, but her date’s as well. She gave permission for me to share this story since it is a perfect illustration of a phenomenon she and I have discussed many times.

In the New Age, wellness, and holistic health communities - there seems to be an aversion to “negative energy” as though exposure to it is polluting. There are umpteen strategies you can learn about in books/videos/retreats about clearing, transforming, banishing and avoiding negativity.

It is as though we have three options when we encounter negativity: we can clear it, get away from it, or if we fail to do those things, the default third option is to “take the negativity on,”— process and/or express it ourself.

As a healing professional, I am deeply affected by the energy of others. I detect it, feel it, know the contours of it intimately — this is how I get my work done. After each Healing Work session, I wash my hands and make conscious moves to release energy that isn’t mine, because it’s true that energy sticks and if we don’t pay attention, it can affect us in unpleasant ways.

I think the term “negative energy” is often misused. I believe that what most call “negative energy” is really intensity surrounding hurt or difficulty. Is it “negative” to be sad? Angry? Depressed? Karla McLaren teaches that emotions are not positive or negative, but rather valuable information. Seen this way, it might be more accurate to describe “negative” states as “activated” ones.

Activated states, as we know from trauma research, express a need not a failing, and in my experience this need can very often be met with presence, care and gentle concern. Recall my poor friend on her date: she could have used a little patience and understanding as she navigated a difficult emotional experience. With this, she likely could have moved from an activated (“negative”?) state to a more relaxed (“positive”?) one.

I’m suggesting there is a fourth option when encountering “negative energy” and that is: meet it. Look it dead in the eye and ask what all the fuss is about.

I’m not saying we should willingly submit to others’ negativity, or that we don’t need boundaries or protection. We do.

But over the years I’ve relaxed the need to clear negativity in my space. The fear of taking on and processing others’ negative energy has been replaced by a kind of trust, that if something feels off, I can navigate my inner experience to find the source. If it’s within me, I can meet it with warmth and curiosity — love the heck out of it. If not, I can decide what to do — clear, bless, or transform the space in an appropriate way.

In conclusion, no worries about bringing your “negative energy” to my space. I’d love to have a look at it!