Poisonous Positive Thinking
It's everywhere in the New Age community: Think positive! Give yourself affirmations! Visualize what you want and then go out and get it! Banish negative thoughts.
Harmless, right?
No. Not in my opinion.
I recall a conversation I had with my grandfather when I was 13. I told him about my ice cream bicycle job, which I described as “hard.”
By "hard" I meant that at 13-years-old I was given responsibility of 100+ pound freezer bicycle and hundreds of dollars of ice cream, a $20 float (of my own money) in a little "Dickie Dee" apron. I then pedaled slowly around the city, ringing bells for 8 hours in the summer sun. I worked solely for commission and most days I made around $40.
In other words, the job was grueling, paid less than minimum wage, and was questioningly appropriate for someone my age.
But my grandfather, a New Age minister, encouraged me not to think about the bad parts of the job. Instead, he said, I should affirm that I would be the best darned ice cream salesperson there ever was! All I needed to do was visualize my success. "You'll soar right to the top!" he said, in true positive-thinking style.
And I did. I never complained about the job. I enjoyed it. I was one of the top sellers in the whole country, and certainly the youngest.
It wasn't until my 30s, in my third year of psychotherapy, that I even questioned whether the job had been good for me. I just assumed that it was, because other interpretations were essentially forbidden in a positive thinking mindset. Maybe forbidden is the wrong word: it's more like other interpretations didn't even exist.
"We're positive thinkers!" my mom had always said, no matter how dismal the situation. Besides, what good was complaining anyway? It just created negativity and kept you down!
But I wonder:
Should we think positively about negative things?
Should we think positively about the people and situations that erode us?
Should we think positively in all situations?
To all of these questions, I would say: no, that's ludicrous. Doing so would be yet another way to push away the truth of the situation, which takes one further from oneself and one’s truth.
Of course there's something to be said for curtailing judgmental thoughts and avoiding wallowing or falling into unwarranted despair, but... what about warranted despair? What about that miscarriage, the death of a loved one, or the seemingly random terrorist attack in your city? Positive thinking says: the baby was not meant to be, it was your loved one's time, and through terrorism great humanity is observed.
And I agree with all of those things. However, to focus only on the positive deprives you of your heart’s full awareness and capacity. It means that only half of the truth is allowed; the other half is abandoned, banished to the darkness and repressed, waiting for its turn to be known and understood.
To use the example of a miscarriage I had prior to the birth of my oldest child. It was devastating. I lost the potential of motherhood. I lost my dreams about birth, baby outfits and adorable family photos! My young soft heart was utterly broken. Focusing solely on the positive aspects of the situation, even if they were fully true, would have stripped the situation of its complexity and its true place in my heart.
In healing work, we look into the darkness, we welcome those pieces and parts and give them the room they need to feel — all of it, not just the acceptable bits. You will not hear me suggest affirmations or to “focus on the positive.” Instead you will hear me ask how you’re doing and how the memories of painful events in your life affect you. I will invite you to own it and feel it all. Together, we will honor the many hues of your heart.
Because at your core, at your deepest and most honest state, there is nothing negative about you and there never was.
