The Power of No
"scream and shout" by mdanys is licensed under CC BY 2.0
I have an invitation for you.
Find a place where you have some privacy, where there is no one watching or listening to you.
Say NO. Say it again. Say it again and again. And then about 15 more times. And about 23 dozen more times after that. Allow your emotions to move through your words. Say it slowly, quickly, loudly or wildly — whatever wants to happen.
Write in your journal about what happened to you. Here are some prompts if you’re not sure:
How did your emotionality change as you progressed through the exercise? Note any changes in your voice’s tone or expressed emotion.
Did your NOs have a focus? Were they directed at anyone in particular? Was there more than one person or situation? Did it change throughout the exercise?
Did your sense of who you are shift at all? For example, did you feel younger or like you were in trouble? Did a NO-related memory from your personal history arise?
If you’re anything like me, the exercise had many phases and flavors.
My first NO was shy and tentative, but then the NOs became increasingly adamant and I raised my voice. I soon became angry and began to yell, then the NOs turned desperately sad, I felt like a sad little kid in trouble, and I ended up crying a little.
Why does this happen? Why does repeating one little word evoke this kind of experience?
I think all of us have long-repressed NOs in our bodies, minds, and hearts. How many times have we wanted to do (or not do) something, but we simply could not say no? Can you scream NO at the dishes? Or simply refuse to change one more diaper or attend one more boring meeting?
I think people are brimming with NO. I think all those repressed NOs are just waiting their turn.
But what do you do with this? It’s not as if yelling NO to yourself is going to change anything in your actual life, right?
I’d like to argue that giving yourself room to say NO as loudly and repetitively as you want is a high form of self-care, an extreme expression of self-love. It is a way of saying to yourself, “Hey, it’s okay to not want to do things. It’s okay to say no. I know you couldn’t say no all of those other times, but today you can say no as many times as you want, to whomever you want, as loudly and maniacally as you want. Because you are allowed to feel this way.”
You may find that once you let out your NO feelings, it becomes easier to do things you don’t want to do. For example, if you really don’t want to attend that boring meeting, what happens if you give yourself a little mini-trantrum like this first? What happens if you wail at the top of your lungs that you DON’T WANNA! You may find that once you have expressed yourself in this way, that attending the meeting isn’t as difficult, possibly because the main barrier was that you thought you were supposed to pretend that you wanted to be there.
In healing work, we do not pretend. Healing work is one big YES to being yourself!
