Rethinking Resolutions
I’m going to MEDITATE EVERY DAY!
I’m going to the gym THREE TIMES A WEEK, this time for REAL!
No more meat.
This is the usual way of New Year’s Resolutions, and I don’t have to tell you that it doesn’t work.
What does work though? The answer lies in looking at what personal change really is.
Change is not just a set of checkboxes that we can force ourself to do - like some kind of wretched to-do list.
Real change requires a few things that the to-do list doesn’t touch. Some questions to explore:
Why aren’t you already doing this thing? For example, if you’re looking to go to the gym three times a week, why are you not currently doing that? Be real about it - do you have the time to do it? Can you make the time? Are there other priorities that limit your ability to do this? Answering these questions without any negative judgment of yourself will help you understand the context of your goal.
Why do you want this change? Seems like a simple and obvious question, but if you look at this, you may find that your resolutions are rife with self-judgment and negativity. Do you want to lose weight so you can look better? According to who? Is there a deeper, truer longing inside to focus on something else that would be more interesting or valuable to YOU? If your motivation for change is to meet a standard that doesn’t capture your deepest values, then the best and most likely outcome is that it doesn’t happen!
What do you (really) need to support this change? This is not just the usual reckoning with your schedule and budget. Supporting genuine change means giving yourself room for breaks and listening to your body if this change is too much too fast. If you want to meditate every day, will you throw in the towel after a few weeks of diligent practice because your kid got sick and your home and life was chaos for a week? You could, or you could recognize that you’re building a new structure inside yourself and sometimes construction has to get paused for rain. Learning to return after disruption is as important as (or maybe more important than) deciding to change in the first place.
What happens if you change your mind? Is there room for that? If not, then your goal may be rooted in some kind of external idea of what you’re supposed to be doing, as opposed to what you really want. For example, if you’re trying out a new meal plan and you find that you dislike one of the meals, do you force yourself to keep eating that, or do you find something that works better? Support is one thing, rigidity is another. Can you tell the difference?
What’s the theme? Sometimes if we think in terms of themes rather than detailed actions, then we can find success in unexpected places. Last year my theme was to work on healing my chronic lower back pain. I started out with a daily online program, and as the weeks progressed I found I didn’t need the exact exercises that the program recommended anymore and I didn’t need to do them as often. This led me to other treatments and practices which deepened my understanding of my specific condition. If my goal had been to complete the online program perfectly, then I would have “failed” but I’m pleased to tell you that my back pain is 95% resolved, which I consider an enormous success — imagine calling it failure?
In short: be gentle.
Nothing that is motivated by inner violence, judgment, or self-hate will stick, and thank goodness for that! The sweet spot for personal change is when we can employ our determination and skill to support what is deeply true for us — in a loving, self-supportive way. This is not just a warm fuzzy idea, it’s deep pragmatism!
Good luck out there and Happy New Year! Let me know if you want to talk more about this.
