Boundaries and the Holidays
Here we go, the holidays! Time to be with family — people you deeply love and look forward to seeing… and a bunch of folks with problematic behaviors and beliefs. Sometimes these are the same people, which makes it even more complex.
It’s a bit of a nightmare where boundaries are concerned, isn’t it? Your healing journey might have you practicing voicing how you want to be treated and exercising agency in bringing that about. But with holiday gatherings, the rules for engagement were set long ago, and not by you! It can feel like your boundaries are a damper on proceedings, if there is room for them at all.
For example, let’s say you’ve decided not to discuss your body’s size anymore. This is a straightforward, reasonable boundary, but if your extended family’s decades-long habit has been to comment on body size, it can be a great upheaval to even posit, let alone enact and defend this new boundary. Relatable?
The choice seems to be: have your boundary or spend time with your family. But there are in-between options.
To find them, you must undertake one vital exploration: What are the challenges to enacting the boundary you want? Which apple cart do you fear overturning with your family? What reaction do you anticipate? In the above example, the challenge is that your family comments on body size as a way of relating to you and they are unaware of the harm it causes. They don’t know that for you it evokes a painful belief you’ve been trying to unlearn — that your value as a human is determined by your body’s size. Telling your family not to comment on your body may be seen as a judgment of them or a rejection of their way of showing care which will, of course, spark a reaction.
Explore it. The more you know about this, the better prepared you will be for the conversation and their reaction. Remember, you don’t have to disclose anything about your healing journey or why you’ve chosen to do this. “I’m trying this out,” is enough.
More considerations:
Embrace awkward. A new boundary can create awkwardness because it draws attention to the behavior you’re protecting against. If you request not to discuss body weight, this may cause your family to either defend their practice or doing so or it might bring to light that they too find it uncomfortable. It could cause some interactions to feel stiff, tense or silent but remember, you did not cause this discomfort and your boundary can’t “ruin” a holiday. Whatever discomfort was present in your family, and how they decide to express it, is out of your control. It’s okay. Awkwardness, in a backward way, is a sign that your boundary is being acknowledged and processed.
Explore your options. If your boundary will be difficult or impossible to enact with your family, you can limit your exposure to the harmful behavior in other ways. For example, you don’t have to stay all day, overnight, etc just because that’s what you have always done. You can leave after a couple of hours, or stay for just for one day, or leave the kids for an hour or two while you get coffee by yourself. You can stay in a hotel or (gasp!) ask your guests to do so. These are all ways of creating a middle space between a hard boundary and no boundary at all. Ask yourself if you have permission to look at all of the possibilities and if not, why not?
It might not be time yet. If you falter every time you try to bring it up, you might not be ready to set a new boundary with your family yet. That’s okay. Here’s the good news: you’ll have plenty of time to reflect on why you need this boundary in the first place. You can assess (in real-time!) the harm it causes and why it’s so difficult to ask for change. Social obligation and childhood conditioning are mountainous forces, and it takes time, courage and clarity to speak up (more about this in an earlier article). Boundaries are born out of this discomfort, and if you keep focusing on your healing… the day will come. No rush and no judgment.
In trying times, there is always the bathroom. Yes! This wonderful place is where you can separate from the group dynamic and check in with yourself. Sometimes it just takes a splash of water on the face, a few breaths, and a reminder that you’re here because you chose to be, not because you were dragged by force. It can be a great space to honor any feelings you’re having that you cannot express, and to explore some of the insights you’re having about all of this. Even if this is only true in the bathroom — you DO exist independently of your family and their ideas. The most important person to have on board with your boundary is YOU.
The more you know about why you need a boundary in the first place, the better equipped you will be to determine when it’s time, how to approach it, and what kind of care is needed around it.
At the end of the day, your boundary is about applying what you’ve learned on your healing journey. It’s about keeping yourself from harm. This is 100% natural, allowed, and highly recommended! It’s a GOOD THING, and you never know, your family members may surprise you by thinking so too.
Good luck out there. Let me know if you want to work through this together.
