Self Hatred? Look Closer.

A lot (okay, ALL) of us struggle with self-hatred. Sometimes it’s overt (like hissing, “I can’t STAND MYSELF!”) and sometimes it’s more insidious, lurking around in our subconscious dropping comments in our ears like, “Of course I got rejected,” or, “I don’t have a romantic partner because I don’t look right.”

There are COUNTLESS other forms that this takes. You might find your flavor of self-hatred when you recall the last time you were frustrated with yourself. Maybe you weren’t healing from an injury fast enough or you couldn’t articulate well during the last disagreement you had with someone. If you like, try to find an example from your own life, and keep it in mind throughout the article.

Here is a well-worn example from my own life:

I hate that I’m so CLINGY! I’m always the one looking for connection, and everyone is always running away from me or saying they’ve had enough! Of course they do this; my cup is never full. Why would ANYONE want to spend time with THAT?!

Pretty rough, huh? I bet your example isn’t much nicer either, because:

Contained in every self-hateful comment is a belief that if you could just solve the problem of YOU, then things would be better.

In my example, the belief is: If I could just stop being so CLINGY, then I’d finally be satisfied with the level of connection I am getting.

How does this look for you? Using the example you came up with, can you find the thing about yourself that if you could just change, things would be better?

Here’s the twist in the plot: hating yourself is the EASY WAY OUT.

What?! Self-hatred feels horrible, and it’s the EASY way out?! Yes. Let me explain.

In my example, I’m believing that the reason I feel so unsatisfied and disconnected is because I need too much — there is something detestable about me. Ergo, if I can hate myself into needing less connection, then I can finally be satisfied with what I have and – POOF! — all the difficulty goes away.

If I am the problem, then the world isn’t the problem.

If my need for connection is the problem, then the amount of connection I’m getting is just fine — I’m not being mistreated, forgotten or neglected by the people around me. I am the problem, and because I’m the problem, my hatred is directed at myself, not the people in my life or the situations I find myself in. Self-hatred gives me a place for the dissatisfaction.

Without hating myself — if I shift to believing there is nothing bad or wrong with me — my experience changes. It turns into something like this:

My reasonable needs for connection are perpetually unmet. My heart is aching for connection and I see no way to meet this ache.

This feels volumes worse than self-hatred. Don’t believe me? Think of your example. If you remove the belief that you are bad or wrong from it, where does that leave you?

As long as we are fixated on hating ourself, we are not looking our deeper pain.

The truth is really simple: there is nothing wrong with you. You were born intact and you are intact still. There is nothing wrong with how you are, what you need, how you feel, what you look like or anything else either. There was a time when the world didn’t care for you the way you needed and deserved - and hating yourself was a reaction to this unfortunate truth.

The next time you’re hating yourself - you’re being intolerant of your shortcomings or you’re wishing yourself different - stop. Stop for a minute and ask the revolutionary question:

What would it be like if I wasn’t the problem? How would the story change? What would explain my unpleasant feelings then?

It might be hard to imagine - when we first start asking these questions we may have to do so while embroiled in seething self-revulsion. Not easy.

And yet. If we persist, we may discover feelings of disappointment with the world. We may find a great desire for things to be different. We may stumble on some anger, outrage, or any number of other things.

This is when we start to look honestly at our history and the feelings we had/have about it. This is when we start to honor ourself instead of hating ourself.

In short, this is when we heal.

Want to talk more about it? Reach out and let’s get started.