What Does “Close to Myself” Mean?
Have you ever felt close to yourself? Far from yourself? How can we ever be close (or not) to our own self? What does that even mean?
To answer this, let’s explore the more familiar notion of closeness — the feeling of being close with another person.
When you are close to someone, you feel a certain kind of safety with them. You have some shared history and you generally accept and approve of one another. You can be honest with them in a way that you cannot with a stranger. This is a basic definition of closeness.
Here is an example. If a stranger asks how you’re doing, you might say, “I’m well,” instead of a truer statement like, “I’m worried about my marriage.” But if your close friend asks the same question, sharing your marital concerns would not only be appropriate, but would feel good in a certain way.
There is something about closeness that makes honesty feel good.
This is because telling the truth feels good. Even, or perhaps especially, if the truth of your experience is not so pleasant, sharing how it really is can be a relief. It means that for a moment, you stop managing or problem solving and just admit that right now it’s difficult. This can bring a sense of “letting go,” “letting it all hang out”, or “being yourself.” This relaxing feeling is what many of us crave in a close connection.
On further examination, we find that a huge factor in feeling close to another person is that when we are sharing with them, we’re aware of and accepting of our own experience at the same time. We’re not coping, performing, getting it “right” or convincing ourself that we shouldn’t be feeling something. When we simply admit that it’s been difficult, we’re not trying to influence or improve our experience. In fact, we are not trying to do anything at all, which is a rare treat for most of us. It’s tempting to give credit to our friend for making this possible, and they do have a role. HOWEVER, we can’t open up if we don’t 1) know our own experience and 2) accept it at least long enough to share it. This means:
When we feel close to someone else, we are at the same time open to our own experience - we are close to ourself.
To answer the questions at the start of this article: being close to yourself means recognizing and valuing your own experience, no matter what it is. It means stopping with all the fuss, and finding out what it is that you’re actually going through. This requires a kind of self-kindness, an inner encouragement to share the truth even if it might put you at risk of being negatively judged. THIS feels very good, and all before you utter a word to your friend!
So. I have an exercise for you, a little challenge to the idea that closeness can only be felt with another person. This is also a set of instructions for experiencing closeness with yourself.
Stop whatever you’re doing and take a breath. Pay attention to the breathing and its effect on your body.
As you breathe, make an intention to find out how you’re really doing. No problem solving, explaining, or judging whatever comes up. No trying!
If nothing comes immediately, just keep paying attention to the breath and intending to know your experience. This will keep distractions from hooking you into a different task and will give you a little more time to discern.
If an emotion comes up, see if you can allow it. If an insight presents itself, say it out loud or write it down. If you become aware of a physical sensation, take note. If the truth is that you really have no idea how you’re doing, then say that. Sometimes the truth is, “I’m exhausted,” so say that. True is true.
Check in - did this make you feel closer to yourself? Does “closer to yourself” make more sense to you now?
If not, don’t worry. It takes time and persistence to really open to your experience, especially if there are a lot of things you don’t like about it — things that have happened and the feelings you might have (or have had) about those things. Remember though:
Even when things don’t feel good, closeness to yourself does.
Another term for this is (yes!) healing. This is, in fact, the simple (but not at all easy) blueprint for healing. Closeness to yourself is present throughout the healing journey: it serves as the instructions for, signpost of, and reward for your efforts.
Not sure? Reach out, we can explore together.
