Is Your Head in a Can?

Image credit: lifewise.com

Have you ever seen a video of a creature with its head stuck in a tin can? You know, some poor raccoon that tried to eat a piece of fish out of a discarded can, but ended up with the can immovably lodged on its cute little head? The poor creature tries to remove it, and when that is impossible it panics, running helter-skelter, completely blind, into an open field, traffic, or worse. Anyone who tries to help is scratched or kicked, and the poor thing just gets more and more stressed, until it’s exhausted.

When you watch the video, you can’t help but think, slow down little guy, let them help you! But of course the creature cannot do this; he feels too vulnerable — he’s blind, lost, and defenseless — he has no idea that help is even possible and he understandably assumes all approaching creatures want to take advantage of his weakened state.

What does this have to do with personal development? I’ll explain, but first:

Imagine the last time you were really upset at someone: maybe they undermined, lied to, or betrayed you. Recall how you felt then — maybe you had a sick feeling in your stomach that morphed into outrage or indignance, before blossoming into full-on meltdown/overwhelm.

Remember this moment. Feel the emotion course through your body. Turn the volume up until you’re greatly uncomfortable.

Now, I have a question for you: in that moment, did you feel like you could see your life and choices clearly? Could you consider the long-term implications of your actions? Were you interested in the deepest truth of the situation?

I’m going to guess — No, no, and no. These situations can feel like your very existence is under attack, as though your life depends on defending yourself or rectifying an intolerable situation. The seemingly high stakes drive up the intensity, which narrows your focus until it is singular — survive! Fight! Do whatever you need to do, just don’t give up!

In those moments you really are a lot like that poor raccoon with his head in a can. The terror is the same, the sense of disorientation, confusion and urgency is the same. The desperate need to find safety where there is none, the frantic efforts to escape, and the total distrust of any help: it’s all the same! That is why I call this state — of being emotionally triggered — having a “can on your head.”

When you have a can on your head, you are not able to access the tools you need to get un-stuck, such as:

• Peace

• Curiosity

• Compassion

• Knowledge

• Awareness

• Patience

Instead, you can readily access things like intensity, destructiveness, competition and aggression — things that are likely to make things worse.

So, what to do when your head is in a can? It’s not like you can just pull it off — it doesn’t work that way.

Before we talk about what to do, let’s talk about what not to do. Well, it is probably a bad idea to make big decisions when you’re in this state. It’s also not a great idea to say everything you’re thinking to the person you’re upset with, or to destroy the relationship, despite what you might want to do. If things like that do indeed need to happen, they definitely don’t need to happen when you’re in the midst of an emotional meltdown. If the relationship is truly bad, it will still be bad after you have calmed down and you have your full range of capacities back.

When your head is in the can you really just need to do what the raccoon cannot:

Recognize that you’re in a can. Breathe and wait; do not go along with the powerful urges that want you to act now, now, NOW.

Essentially, you need to keep yourself from hurting yourself and others when you’re like this. You need to stop pushing, resisting, and jamming your head further into the can, and you need to slow down and wait for help. Sometimes it takes a while — these reactions are convincing and compelling. So what do you do while you wait?

There is one thing you can do very well when your head is in the can: learn about the can. When a reaction has you so wholly and completely, and when you’re feeling as intensely as these things can feel, that is the perfect opportunity to learn about your inner workings. From a very close view, you can see just what happens to you when you feel betrayed, or hurt, or abandoned. You might find it useful to journal, to talk it through, or just breathe and meditate while you notice the body sensations associated with the intensity (*disclaimer: this is not comfortable or fun, but it is indeed illuminating).

To keep with the metaphor, this practice will help you recognize the next time you’re in the same can (and my dear, you will stick your head in that can again and again), but eventually, many moons from now, you might start to recognize that specific can, from the outside and the inside, and maybe one day you won’t stick your head in the darned thing to begin with.